Does your self-esteem depend on others?
No one would say, yes, I do! But actions reveal something else, namely the way we think in certain situations. I sound a bit like a broken record, but I often hear: “I have to make it at all costs because then I will finally prove myself to my family, friend, boss and so on. This sentence is the one that can summarize one of the most toxic patterns. Suppose we want to achieve a result to show everyone our value and feel good, does this sound right to you? I don’t think so; then, some roads to hell are paved with good intentions. To serve or please others’ demands might be equal to neglecting authenticity, values, and health. There is no pleasure in doing it; it’s just a forced performance aiming at an insignificant trophy.
When the need for applause or trophies becomes as essential as our daily meal, longterm we might become frustrated. The word trophy comes from Greek and means “nourishment”. So, we can say that at a deep level of the psyche, the achievement of a result creates precious nourishment for the one who obtains it and for those who live to demonstrate are, without knowing it, trying to feed themselves, to give themselves life.
One meal might be enough for a short time. Still, longterm more trophies will be needed to satisfy hunger. It’s like when being on a strict diet, suddenly the desire for food is uncontrollable. Why does this nourishment damages self-esteem? It’s similar to a substance calming the anxiety of not being loved and accepted, and therefore, in some respects, of not being enough.
However, getting out of it is possible; realizing the false conviction that we are only lovable and worthy if we get applause from others is the first step. Those who love us do not need the trophy we aim for because they take us as we are.
What to do? If you live for the applause, if recognition is the only nourishment, change your meal plan and stuck with it; running away from it is not the right move; welcome it. What do you feel? What feelings come up in you? Anxiety, fear., something else? Let them come: they may seem unpleasant, but if you make room for them, you will discover that fasting can transform you. Because from there will arise the ability to nourish yourself with other “foods”, with new ways of being.
Separating yourself from the need to demonstrate does not mean giving up the pursuit of results if these coincide with what you want or feel, but changing the way you experience this achievement.
Photo by Pascale Weber