“Hell is other people”, Jean-Paul Sartre.
Free not to please everyone, but only yourself. Maturity teaches us that freedom from the judgement of others makes us comfortable. So how do you achieve it? Just follow your nature!
In today’s culture, recognising one’s uniqueness, and therefore the possibility of not being liked by everyone, requires bravery, a strength that one often only discovers with the years. Although non-conformity is celebrated everywhere, following one’s nature can have unpleasant consequences.
“Sometimes I feel lonely,” confides a client during a session, “because I stopped seeing some friends I had had for years. In addition, I felt judged because my lifestyle was not like theirs.
Stop conditioning. Accepting that others don’t like you means that we stop protecting ourselves from the pain of criticism. But unfortunately, the freedom that comes from liberating oneself from the judgement of others does not come free of charge… on the contrary, it often comes at a high price and requires a lot of strength.
And when it becomes clear that to be satisfied in a profound sense, it is necessary to meet oneself first, liberating ourselves from the need for consent allows us to put back into circulation a lot of energy that is wasted trying to anticipate what others will think of us. Power can be invested in doing what we like, which helps keep us fulfilled at any age.
And how do you know if you are free to follow your inclinations? Suppose your reaction to criticism or negative comments is excessive. Feelings of misunderstanding and betrayal paired with the fear of other people’s opinions are exaggerated; even when no one is judging you, you are far away from being free.
And what to do? First: Accept others’ judgments without commenting. We cannot prevent others from expressing their opinion about us. What we can do is avoid being influenced by them. Accept reviews that neutrally come to you.
Does a friend tell you that you are egocentric? Don’t react, don’t defend yourself, and don’t try to explain or understand why she/he says that. That’s the phrase you should repeat to yourself. In this way, you can look at things with a proper detachment and stop wasting time chasing the ghosts of your mind. Also, when others do not like us and make us feel uncomfortable, it is often not because of others. We are the first judges of ourselves: we think we have to improve and are not good enough. We make comparisons, measure ourselves, and never feel we are good enough. In reality, we have to follow our path.
Second: Accept the disappointment of others. One of the hardest things to do is to accept the frustration of others in an aspect of our personality that they don’t want. However, this is a fundamental step. Often others do not like us because we do not satisfy their selfish needs. We do not say or do what they want, but what we want. Living free from the fear of displeasing others means admitting that we can displease them so as not to distort ourselves.
Third: Recognise your complexity. Accepting that not everyone likes you means having good self-esteem, but this, contrary to popular belief, does not mean thinking you are the best, but feeling good about yourself, in whatever way you think. Therefore, it is essential to make room for all aspects of one’s personality, even the fragile ones, the negative ones, the unusual ones, or those that others call flaws.
We only accept that not everyone likes us if we recognise that we are complex, sometimes incompatible, and never one-sided. Direct, unique and authentic.
📸 @Pascale Weber for Nala Chocolates